There is no one who can secure anything as God can. The Bible tells us in Psalm 127: 1, “except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.” This means that while we may have human watchmen, it is only God who can secure. The watchmen need Him to “keep the city”.

And much of the instructions given unto us by God in his Word are intended to ensure our security from the attacks of the devil. In other words, we are secure as we walk according to God’s Word and, conversely, we are insecure to the extent that we are in disobedience to God’s Word. Simply put, we give place to the devil in our lives and in our family lives when we fail to do what God’s Word require us to do.

In that regard, we need to examine the order set by God for the functioning of marriage and family and know that the security of our family life from the working of the devil is dependent upon our obedience to God’s Word.

God’s Word is clear concerning the order he has set in the marriage relationship, which is the foundation of the family.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

It is the nature of the flesh to want to have one’s own way and not to be in obedience to anyone. But everywhere we turn; there exist rule, authority and order. So that even men, in the systems that they have created, have seen the need to implement roles and varying levels of authority. So as much as humans may not love being under authority, humans recognize the importance of authority.

In the family, the husband has responsibility for leadership. The husband is responsible for having a vision for his family; he is responsible for setting direction. He is responsible for guidance and the protection of his family. The husband is instructed to love his wife just as Christ loved the church. And to ensure we understand the depth of that love, Paul, writing by the Spirit, refers to a love that caused him to give his life for the church. A husband is therefore called to even give his life for his wife; he is called to be unselfish in his dealings.

The wife on the other hand is instructed to submit herself to the rule of her husband, in other words, to obey her husband. Again, note that the similarity is between Christ and the church, a reference you would see throughout Paul’s discourse. So that the wives are told that they ought to subject themselves to their husbands just as the church is to submit itself to Christ. Of course, the intention here is not that wives be submissive to instruction from their husbands that violate God’s Word as God remains the ultimate authority, so that a wife is not expected to obey her husband in committing a crime.

Again referencing the relationship between Christ and the church, Paul wrote:

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church”

Note here, as this will take on greater significance later, that men are to love their wives as their own bodies and give their wives the same kind of attention and care that they would give to their own bodies. To show the unity that exists in the marriage, the scripture says when a man loves his wife, he loves himself. That would also mean that a man is acting against himself and not being good to his own self, if he fails to love his wife.

To understand this scripture a bit better, we may need to look at the creation account in Genesis, in which God, after creating Adam, placed him in a deep sleep and performed the first surgery, taking a rib from Adam which he placed in Eve, Adam’s wife. God if he wanted could have created Eve with her own ribs. But God was establishing the principle that the man and his wife were one flesh, meaning their bodies had become one. Hence, the writing of Paul, that the husband loves his wife as his own body and he who loves his wife, loves himself. The following verses in Ephesians 5 are based on that same logic:

“For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church”.

Note again, the reference to Christ and the church because what is clear, is that human marriage was designed by God as a mirror of the relationship between Christ and the church. To put it another way, marriage is supposed to reflect the union between Christ and the church.

In order to more clearly understand what the scripture is referring to when it spoke about a man leaving his father and mother, being joined to his wife and being one flesh, let’s look at another scripture.

In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul was writing to the church, and encouraging the saints to avoid and flee fornication, referring to sexual sins. He was direct and specific with his reference, “What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.” Here Paul was quoting from the book of Genesis in which God said that the man shall leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife and shall be one flesh. Paul said that sex with a prostitute makes the person visiting the prostitute, one body, that is to say one flesh with the prostitute.

In other words, when God spoke about being one flesh he was speaking about the sexual union between husband and wife, the joining of their bodies which makes them one flesh in the act. Marriage gives the right to that joining. But the idea is that the bodies of the husband and wife belong to each other and sex is, in effect, that oneness in action. That oneness of bodies is a mirror of Christ and the Church who is one spirit. “But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit” (1 Corinthians 1:17)

Writing in 1 Corinthians 7, in answer to a question or question posed to him by the Corinthians, he says it would have been good if a man could have remained single. He gave reason for that later in the same chapter saying that such a person would be able to attend to the work of the Lord without the distractions of having to care for and manage a family.

He says however, that it would be better for men and women to marry so as to avoid fornication (sexual sins). While still arguing the benefits to the work of the Lord that a single person can bring, he advises that if such a person cannot contain, meaning exercise self control over his/her sex drive, that person should marry because it is better to marry than to burn, sexually. (1 Corinthians 7:9).

In other words, God intended that, by means of marriage, the sex drive should be managed. It is not managed by being spiritual. It is not managed by prayer and fasting. It is not managed by taking a cold shower. It is managed by sex within marriage.

If, therefore, after a person is married, he or she is denied sex, generally, by his/her wife/husband, it is for that person as bad as if he/she was not married for, in that regard the marriage would be failing in one of its purposes, which is to assist the individual in managing his/her sex drive.

The scripture, therefore, in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, states that the husband’s body belongs to the wife and likewise the wife’s body belongs to the husband. It says that the husband has authority over his wife’s body and the wife has authority over her husband’s body. It says that their bodies belong to each other and they owe each other their bodies. He uses the term “due benevolence” meaning what belongs to the other by right.

He calls it “defrauding” when one withholds sex from the other. Sadly, more women offend here than men because of the make up of male and female. It does not mean women are not victims of this as well but generally, women are the greater offenders, often withholding sex from their husbands simply because they do not “feel” like doing it or are too often “not in the mood”.

I have heard of women in defrauding their husbands say, “Go and read your Bible and get spiritual”. Utter ignorance! They fail to fulfill their God given responsibilities and often use sex as a weapon in the marriage. They fail to see that they are wrecking the marriage but, should it fail or as it deteriorates, they usually blame everyone else but themselves.

The scripture sets one and only one ground, on which sex should not happen, but places restrictions even on that ground. The scripture we referred to in Corinthians earlier, says that husbands and wives may avoid sex, only for periods of fasting and prayer. However, these are the conditions:

1. The prayer and fasting must be with consent, meaning that the husband or wife must agree to the other praying and fasting. So that neither the husband nor the wife should impose a “prayer and fast” on the other without having his/her consent to it. Prayer and fast therefore cannot be used as an excuse to defraud.

2. The consent must be for a specific time. In other words, it should not be a fast without a know end.

3. He says when the prayer and fast is over “come together again” meaning sexually and he gives the reason – “that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency”, meaning your inability to control yourself.

In other words, this is an area where Satan enters into the family life. We protect our marriages by obedience to God’s Word.

Question: What if the spouse is tired?
Answer: It is true that a spouse can be tired. However, if you are committed to your responsibilities, tiredness won’t be the rule.

Question: What if the urge is not there any more?
Answer: Once the other party has the urge every effort must be made to meet that need. It must be borne in mind that where sex is concerned a husband is totally dependent on the wife and vice versa. It may be that medical assistance would have to be sought in some cases. But the responsibility must be acknowledged and the effort made.